You may all be familiar with the news that unemployment rates were at 10.2% as of the news yesterday...

WELL, chalk another .000001% to the tally, you OBAMA SOCIALIST LIBERAL TREE-HUGGER 'PROGRESSIVE' SOMEHOW-AT-THE-SAME-TIME ALSO FASCISTS UBER-LOSER-GOOBIN-LUBIN- SAVING-MURDERERS-BUT-KILLIN-BABIES GOIN-STRAIGHT-TO-HE.LL-DO-NOT-PASS-GO-DO-NOT-COLLECT-$200 SC.UMMY SC.UM MCSC.UMERITES!!!!!!!!!!

Ah-hem. Excuse me. This is the story of a great man, undone by what can only refer to as the disease of 'liberal'.

Today, 'Big' Larry 'The Man' McCallister, the very last chimney sweep in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, lost the job he had held steady for the past 27 years.

When asked about his loss, he had this to say: 'Yeah, I know I was the only chimney sweep within a 1,000 mile radius, but let me tell you, I was the d.amn best there was.'

We researched the issue, and it seems that the amount of chimneys has been drastically dwindling over the past 40 years, something that can only be blamed on MSNBC.

Larry 'The Man' McCallister questioned the state of our current President: 'They say there was all that stimulus money... well, let me tell you, the chimney sweep industry, we saw none of that! Putting money towards education, proposed healthcare, and legal systems... when our chimney sweep industry dwindles to nothing... that sounds like the work of a liberal!'

We couldn't reach President Obama directly, but we spoke with an aide, who briefly stopped hugging a tree and aborting babies to speak with us: 'We want to let everybody in the chimney sweep industry know', said the tree-hugger, 'that President Obama thinks that chimneys are "Really quite awesome, and of utmost importance".'

The aide went further to say that they would put their best man on the issue, once they could detach him from a beautiful Redwood.

'You think you know a country', said Larry 'The Man' McCallister, as he hung up his chimney sweeper, possibly for the last time, 'and then this happens. None of this would of happened if McCain got elected. HE has a chimney. And boy, is it glorious.'

We then exchanged several anecdotes about Sarah Palin's chimney, which will be the subject of our next, double-length issue.

As we were leaving McCallister's very chimney-heavy home, we noticed that the front left tire of our Toyota Sequoia had popped a leak.

'I don't know how', said McCallister, polishing a large rifle, 'but I know this is them liberal's faults.'

-----------------------------------------------

Spenser Brossman,
Chimney Sweep News (a subsidiary of FOX News [Fair and Awesome])

Don't blame us liberals, please. And another thing, does anyone really care about Lancaster?

Liberals and the Phillie fans are ruining everything.

nice story.

We had a black gentleman who came into the hospital for his "free" back shots every other month.

It was June 2008. The man comes in this time all frustrated and clearly upset. He is a welfare receipient on medicaid.

Well he came in for his steroid shot for back pain and start saying "Its all that Bush's fault that the economy is tanking."

The rest of us just looked at him and couldn't believe the hypocrsy coming out of that man's mouth.

The moral: Atleast the guy in your story worked for a living.

Nobody cares about Lancaster (we been spendin' most of our lives livin' in an Amish paradise).

I'm glad that you found some way to turn this completely ridiculous story (that I assumed was at least partly humor) into something lame and... well, lame.

why does the man have to be black? all colors take advantage of the welfare system.

well, because he was. I didn't make up the story.

This Spenser Brossman guy seems like some knida loser.

Small correction. McCain has eight chimneys, to the best of his recollection. Maybe more, maybe less.

Which does Santa enter? Decisions, decisions.

Every day is Christmas for John McCain.