Manny Ramirez’s Dreads Will Cause Drug Use, Abortion, Gayness, Blindness, Fan Tells The A’s Triple-A Affiliate In Insane Voicemail
This disgruntled fan of the Sacramento River Cats would like you to know that she is NOT fuddy duddy. Nor is she a crackpot. She just thinks that Manny Ramirez's dreadlocks are the reason that "unwholesomeness" is spreading across the American landscape. I strongly urge you to listen to this voicemail in its entirety, as the lady builds to a comedic crescendo so perfectly timed, it feels as if the entire thing was scripted by a UCB troupe. And be sure to note how often she touches on the issue of dreadlocks being a blindness hazard. She really has that talking point down. Some highlights:
• "I'm a viewer of television and I noticed that Manny Rodriguez [sic] has these long, long dreadlocks."• "Lotta people out here don't feel these people should be able to play with this long hair."• "It flies in the faces of um uh uh first second and third base when they're tagging them out and it could hurt their eyes... it could really hurt them!"• "They don't wash that hair!"• "Any long hair should be out!"• "They have to cut it in a lot of sports. I don't think they can have it in swimming!"• "Long hair and drugs, we all know, goes together. It's just like a cheater and liar, what Dr. Phil says, goes hand in hand. When they cheat on a house, they also are a liar."• "It doesn't look wholesome."• "You really need to give this message to the executive committee."• "I'm a lady and I am not a fuddy duddy."• "They're all gettin' in trouble on steroids and using cortisone for energy... THAT STUFF CAUSES CANCER. That's why Lance Armstrong, the bike guy, got cancer."• "We study this stuff."• "And then it gets into ... people start OKing abortion and g/ay marriage. It gets into a lot of stuff that is NOT according to the Bible or according to the American values."• "It's a lazy thing, having this long hair!"• "It looks like a girl!"
OBLIGATORY: Now Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you can set your watch to.
Sounds like those brilliant folks who are against the non-heteros. If you just round them up and put them in an electrified pen they'll die out. Heavens knows that only non-heteros produce themselves....
"I'm agen it, you're agen it, we're agen it!"