http://deadspin.com/5918718/manny-ramirezs-dreads-will-lead-to-drug-use-abortion-gayness-fan-tells-oakland-athletics-triple+a-affiliate-in-insane-voicemail

Manny Ramirez’s Dreads Will Cause Drug Use, Abortion, Gayness, Blindness, Fan Tells The A’s Triple-A Affiliate In Insane Voicemail

This disgruntled fan of the Sacramento River Cats would like you to know that she is NOT fuddy duddy. Nor is she a crackpot. She just thinks that Manny Ramirez's dreadlocks are the reason that "unwholesomeness" is spreading across the American landscape. I strongly urge you to listen to this voicemail in its entirety, as the lady builds to a comedic crescendo so perfectly timed, it feels as if the entire thing was scripted by a UCB troupe. And be sure to note how often she touches on the issue of dreadlocks being a blindness hazard. She really has that talking point down. Some highlights:

• "I'm a viewer of television and I noticed that Manny Rodriguez [sic] has these long, long dreadlocks."
• "Lotta people out here don't feel these people should be able to play with this long hair."
• "It flies in the faces of um uh uh first second and third base when they're tagging them out and it could hurt their eyes... it could really hurt them!"
• "They don't wash that hair!"
• "Any long hair should be out!"
• "They have to cut it in a lot of sports. I don't think they can have it in swimming!"
• "Long hair and drugs, we all know, goes together. It's just like a cheater and liar, what Dr. Phil says, goes hand in hand. When they cheat on a house, they also are a liar."
• "It doesn't look wholesome."
• "You really need to give this message to the executive committee."
• "I'm a lady and I am not a fuddy duddy."
• "They're all gettin' in trouble on steroids and using cortisone for energy... THAT STUFF CAUSES CANCER. That's why Lance Armstrong, the bike guy, got cancer."
• "We study this stuff."
• "And then it gets into ... people start OKing abortion and g/ay marriage. It gets into a lot of stuff that is NOT according to the Bible or according to the American values."
• "It's a lazy thing, having this long hair!"
• "It looks like a girl!"

OBLIGATORY: Now Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you can set your watch to.

Sounds like those brilliant folks who are against the non-heteros. If you just round them up and put them in an electrified pen they'll die out. Heavens knows that only non-heteros produce themselves....

"I'm agen it, you're agen it, we're agen it!"

I think Jesus spoke against dread-locks right after his tirade on non-herero unions.........it's gotta be in there somewhere, but it may take READING to find it. Nah, let's just assume it's in there.