...Justin Upton -- a player more overrated than Justin Biebler and Seattle's farm put together -- even he won't allow himself to be traded to Seattle.

...to save himself some extra gambling money, Jack Z is now focused on acquiring players who have brain damage or torn limbs.

...out of pity for true baseball fans, Ibanez has returned to Seattle, because each of the Saberheads' projected Ibanez clones have been utter failures thus laughed out of town.

...Lance Berkman laughed at Jack Z's future standings, because Lance Berkman knows a joke when he sees one.

...Jack Z traded Ichiro away for nothing, then Jack Z designated nothing for assignment without giving nothing a chance to make something of himself; nobody claimed nothing off waivers, so Jack Z outrighted nothing to nowhere.